Oct/Nov 2000 Humor/Satire

Christ Announces His Bid for President

by Barrett Brown

Campaign strategists for both major parties were stunned this week as Jesus Christ announced His resignation from His post as Savior to over 1 billion Christians in order to make time for a run at the White House. Sources close to the Son of God say he has not yet decided whether he will run on the Reform Party ticket or as an independent.

Shortly after the surprise announcement, Republican candidate George Bush began questioning Christ's experience record, citing that the Messiah has yet to serve on any celestial government in any function whatsoever except for a brief stint as a Wyoming state congressman in 1983. Bush also tempered remarks he had made earlier in the campaign regarding his acceptance of Jesus as his Lord and Savior.

"Though I have accepted Jesus into my heart, I don't agree with His economically liberal viewpoint. I want to give hard-working citizens back their money. I want to tell Washington that Americans are tired of seeing government grow." {He added that he had "a record."}

But others have come out in support of the man affectionately known to millions of Americans as "The Lamb of God". The deeply Catholic Ted Kennedy expressed his approval of Christ's decision within hours of the official announcement.

"I am big man! Big fat naked man!" he told reporters on Thursday.

Questions have been raised by various political analysts in the wake of Christ's plunge into the election, particularly regarding the character issue. Christ was convicted of disturbing the peace in 33 B.C. by the Roman Empire. Perhaps more damaging are photos which have recently surfaced, dating sometime in the late 70s, showing Jesus holding a giant marijuana bud in what is presumed to be His basement nursery. The Messiah has repeatedly declined to comment on the photos, saying that the American people are weary of negative campaigns.

"And I say unto thee, that if it is in one of you men to casteth forth the first stone, then verily, cast it indeed," He told reporters at a campaign stop in Nebraska. "Besides, everybody knows Bush did coke. Go pick on him."

Perhaps the most damaging component of Christ's image is that He is still seen by many voters as a liberal. In "The New Testament", written by political supporters of the Son of God, Jesus proclaims His health care plan in which every sick American will be brought before Him and healed by His divine powers of transmutation. This is a step to the left of Clinton's health policy. Also, Jesus talks funny.

Critics have pointed out that Christ's sudden bid for the presidency was made only a week after Lucifer, Lord of Darkness and former Austin city councilman , announced his entrance into the campaign. Christ and Lucifer have been political adversaries for centuries. Lucifer, who has gone by the names Beelzebub, Satan, and Barbara Streisand, is running as the Mandatory HIV-Infusion Party candidate.

The Messiah's entrance into the elections has sparked off several notable squabbles. Last week, Green Party candidate Ralph Nader made an appearance on the Larry King Show in which he accused the Kingdom of God, a non-incorporated quasi-mystical organization which is known to be funding Jesus' campaign, of violating a variety of national trade laws; the public backlash against Mr. Nader was overwhelming until a few days later, when he produced videos of underpaid cherubim working 12-hour days in substandard conditions at a Kingdom sweatshop producing cheap bric-a-brac angel figurines. Yahweh, an all-powerful, all-knowing deity who has commanded the Kingdom since eternity (with only one brief leave of absence when He got into real-estate and investment banking in the 80s), denied any knowledge of the sweatshop conditions at until a reporter pointed out that His ability to know all things made it impossible for him not to have known, at which point God said he was just kidding and that he had known about the sweatshops all along, but they weren't really sweatshops, they were something else, good things, or words to that effect. The next day He ran a full-page explanatory ad in the New York Times and had the reporter stoned to death.

Christ 2000 campaign manager James Carville told reporters at a recent press conference that the voters are interested in "true reform and real progress, not stale leadership from Washington insiders", and that he hoped to wage an upbeat campaign. Then he shot himself up with an insanely large amount of crystal meth and began throwing nearby objects at reporters until he was subdued and ritually beheaded by security. It was really sad.


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