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Nike Mail Order Brides

humor by Anant Raut

From:  Assistant Vice President, Nike Thailand Division
To:  Administrative Director, New Product Development
Re:  New Product Idea

Simple concept:  Nike Mail-Order Brides.  Sit and think about that one while I 

As the AVP for operations here in Thailand for the past year and a half, it's 
occurred to me that we're seriously underutilizing the resources available here.
 Our factories are generating large margins, thanks mostly to a workforce 
composed of prepubescent children whom we pay in grapes.  But we've only tapped 
into a small part of the revenue potential of this country.  Out here, there are
thousands, millions even, of young, nubile, desperate women, many of whom sell 
their bodies for money, most of whom are willing to trade it all in for a chance
to start over in a better place.  That's one of the benefits of establishing an 
oligopoly in these impoverished, Third World nations-women like this are nearly 
limitless in supply.  [Note:  We could talk to the United Nations about possibly
outsourcing to China or India to diversify our product line]

This would be a golden opportunity for us to increase our market share among the
12-18 years old demographic.  As they mature, they will move into our target 
market, the 18-42 years old zone, and it makes sense for us to invest the time 
and energy into the product to get them hooked early.  Youngsters at that age 
have typically begun exploring the mysteries of sex, by either reading the 
Kinsey study, spending long, lonely hours herding sheep, or oil wrestling in the
nude with their sisters.  By acknowledging that, and pandering to it, we can 
develop brand loyalty.

After all, who wants to date these days?  It's expensive, it's time-consuming, 
it's distracting, and it's pretty damn hard, given the active lifestyles of 
youngsters these days.  So we provide them with an irresistible alternative: the
Nike mail-order bride.  A body that meets World Health Council standards with a 
name they can trust.  Probably tattoo a trademark swoosh on the wrists or ankles
for visibility.  Physical defects or late-manifesting diseases that were not 
incurred after purchase would be covered under a one-year, limited warranty.

A selling point would the values of the more traditional women of the region.  
Good homemakers and cooks, respectful, and deferential to men.  And the 
commitment to family values-"Why take your chances on women you've only known 
for a couple of years in a country with a divorce rate greater than 50 percent 
when you can buy a satisfaction-guaranteed Nike mail-order bride raised in a 
country where only 1 out of every 25 marriages ends in divorce?"  We can work on
the wording.

We can also toss in a lot of mutually beneficial perks.  The Nike mail-order 
bride would essentially be a Priority Gold credit card that satisfies the 
customer's every need.  After having a little Asian for dessert, the customer 
can lie in bed while the Nike bride whispers advance word about special seasonal
and clearance sales in his ears.  Discount Valentine's weekend getaways to 
Niketown, U.S.A.  It would be direct salesmanship at unheard-of levels, customer
satisfaction to an unbeatable extreme.

For decades, it has been an industry axiom that sex sells sports.  Why shouldn't
sports sell sex?

From: Administrative Director, New Product Development 
To: Assistant Vice President, Nike Thailand Division
Re:  New Product Idea

Thank you very much for taking the time to share your ideas with our office.  It
is our belief that without crystalline channels of communication between all 
levels of our company, imagination can never be fostered, ingenuity can never be
rewarded, and profits can never be realized.

Past ventures have proven that retail sex is an especially tricky market to 
enter.  Our office has shied away from carnal ventures for three main reasons:

-Unavoidable dealings with disreputable characters
-Anticipated damage to our cross-selling efforts
-Guaranteed witless puns based upon our company motto

The second possibility most seriously jeopardizes our long-term growth 
potential.  As a company, we have made a concerted effort to appear 
"woman-friendly," marketing an entire line of merchandise exclusively 
for women, sponsoring female sports and sports stars, and advertising directly 
to the female market.  Regrettably, many of these consumers would not perceive 
your idea for what it is, namely, a marketing joint venture; instead, they would 
perceive it as corporate complicity in the continued objectification and 
oppression of women in lesser-developed nations.

Our office must thus decline to pursue your proposal.  Your memorandum did 
catalyze another logic train for our analysts, as follows:  Nike surrogate 
mothers.  "Perfect for the active Nike woman who can't afford to let a baby 
ruin her career."

Please investigate the feasibility of large scale surrogate embryo transfer to 
Thai women.  Check whether more cost-beneficial for Nike to pursue hostile 
takeover of Thailand's health industry.

We look forward to hearing from you soon.

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