I Don't Look Good in Orange, Mother

I Don't Look Good in Orange, Mother

The way I present myself is not like
The way you wanted
          You ask why I'm wearing a dress today
          It's so feminine
          And I shrug, say that it's because I felt like it
I can defend anyone else but not
Myself, because that feels too risky somehow
          There's a dress in my closet that I hate, but
          I keep it anyway because
          I wore it to my mother's wedding and I can't let go of her yet
My family is drifting, dissolving away
And I tell myself that's okay
          My sister prays to gods that I don't know
          But I don't know any, so
          That's not really too strange
Mother made me a blanket, told me to keep it in the car
But I don't have a car anyway, so it's kept on the bed instead
          I've been living life aimless,
          Saying that I wasn't going to last that long anyway
          And, well, the joke stopped being funny when the depression kicked in
It's odd to grow older and not feel
Like you've changed at all
          And then I'm looking back, and I think I
          Might be happier,
          At least for as long as the happy days last me
I don't wanna sleep in a car, don't wanna justify a dress, I
Just wanna live as myself, not worrying about trying to tether you to me