How To Be Politically Incorrect : A First Step

Brian Morton is currently employed at WJR radio in Detroit.
When he's not working he enjoys sitting and watching bad movies.
You can tell Brian what you think of him by e-mailing him.
Remember he'll probably be watching a movie so be patient with him...

Aren't you getting a little bit sick of all this politically correctness? It seems to me that ever since Bill Clinton was elected everything we do or say is measured against some invisible political correctness ruler. What, exactly, is wrong with being politically incorrect? I really don't know, but, the more they try to make me politically correct the harder I'll fight them. It seems to me that instead of having fun, suddenly, we're all too busy trying to make sure that we don't offend anybody in any way, shape or form, to have any fun whatsoever. Just as an example, do you know, that if the Three Stooges were making movies today, they wouldn't be able to call themselves the Three Stooges? Nope, with all the political correctness around, they wouldn't want to offend any real stooges out there, so they'd have to call themselves the Trio of Mentally Challenged Individuals. Now, I ask you, who would go see a movie about any mentally challenged individuals...maybe Quinten Tarantino, but no one else I can think of. So, I thought, it can't be just me that's getting cheesed off about this. There must be other people out there who are sick and tired of being PC but don't really know what to do about it. So, here are five starter steps to becoming politically incorrect.

Step One : Learn to Smoke. Now this may not seem like such a big thing, but it is fast becoming the last public bastion of political incorrectness. Now, if you decide to do this remember that smoking a pipe is politically correct, it's still considered to be a sign of a true intellectual, so you'll have to take up cigarettes or cigars. Personally, I prefer a good cigar, because, not only does it provide a much better tobacco flavor than cigarettes, but many of the politically correct masses find them far more offensive. So, if you've chosen cigars, give yourself one hundred extra incorrect points.

Step Two : Swear Often and Loudly. This is almost as hard as smoking, but once you get the hang of it you'll soon find yourself cursing like a sailor at the drop of a hat...DAMN!! I dropped my hat!!!

Step Three : Tell People The Truth. Yes, it may sound strange, but in this politically correct climate, no one wants to hear the truth, everyone wants their feelings validated and they want everyone around them to be supportive. So, this is a big step in becoming politically incorrect, you have to be willing to look your boss or co-workers in the eye and say, unflinchingly, "That has got to be the stupidest thing I've ever heard in my life". Now this may seem to be a crass and hurtful thing, but it serves a vital politically incorrect purpose. It keeps many stupid and time wasting PC ideas from ever reaching fruition. It also provides a good laugh to everyone who thought it was a stupid idea, but were too PC to say so.

Step Four : Feel Free To Reminisce About When Men Were Men. Say you're watching a football game with a group of the politically correct, and one of the players gets hurt and is carried off the field on a stretcher. Stand up and say, "Oh, come on! Get back out there and play, you big wussy!". This can start you on a nostalgic interlude that is sure to upset every PC weasel within earshot. Say things like, "This is what's wrong with America today, too many whiners, why I remember when that guy would've gotten up and demanded to be left in the game even if he did have a fused spine". This is sure to put a few PC minds into vapor lock.

Step Five : Call Them Like You See Them. This is a whole lot like telling the truth, except you don't have to wait for someone to say something stupid. This is simply pointing out everyday politically correct things, then shining the unflinching light of logic on them. For example, you see someone in a wheelchair and call them handicapped and then quickly correct yourself to physically challenged. Then, point out that all that "challenged" stuff doesn't always fit. Sure, physically challenged is a logical statement, because if you're been hurt and can't use your legs, there's no greater physical challenge than working to regain their use. But, if you're forty years old and you're still only four foot tall, then you aren't vertically challenged, you're just short. Face it, when you're forty you're not going to hit any growth spurts. So, just deal with it! See there, I just called it like I saw it.

Please keep in mind that these five simple steps are only the beginning of the long, hard road to political incorrectness, but if you put forth the time and effort to put these valuable lessons to work on the job, at church, and even around the house, you'll soon find them becoming second nature to you. And soon you'll find yourself inventing new and innovative ways to be politically incorrect. Now, have fun and get out there and start offending those PC weasels!

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