Jan/Feb 2008 Humor/Satire

Notices to be Sent in the Event my Wife and I Are Unable to Reach a Consensus on Next Month's Budget

by Greg Schreur

Photo by Steve Wing

To All Business and Financial Institutions:

Pursuant to the current domestic budget crisis, we will be discontinuing all payments, including, but not limited to, our mortgage, utilities, and telephone bill. We regret any difficulties this may bring about. While we understand that this may result in some interruption in services, we expect that essential services will continue unabated. These essential services include gas, electric, and satellite television, with the exception being our subscription to the “Baller's Package,” which includes both the sports and adult programming, as this is a key sticking point in the budget negotiations. Be assured that my wife and I are busily conducting intense negotiations in an effort to end this financial faceoff in as expedient a manner as possible. Again, we apologize for any inconvenience our impasse may cause and thank you for your patient understanding.


To Our Current Places of Employment:

As many of you know, my wife and I have been unable to agree on a budget for next month. As a result, neither of us will be coming in to work until these differences have been rectified. We would like to assure you that this work stoppage will in no way affect our performance, once, that is, we resume working. In our absences, work may be allowed to amass on our respective desks. Upon our return we will survey the piles and generate a plan detailing how we intend to delegate and dispense with each and every one of the responsibilities. Stop delivery on all interoffice memoranda; however, all emails regarding workplace gossip and male enhancement may be sent to our personal email addresses. Although nothing certain has been decided, one or both of us may appear on casual Fridays, paydays, ozone action days, and federal holidays when no mail is delivered.


To Our Children:

Mommy and Daddy can't figure out their money right now, so you have to take care of yourselves until they figure it out. There should be a box of cereal in the cupboard. If you can't reach the bowls, try making some out of Legos. We won't pay your allowances, so I guess it's fair for you to skip your chores. However, bathing is still important. Remember when Daddy stopped bathing for a while and developed that icky fungus? In case of emergency, or if the baby has a dirty diaper, you can call Grandma by pushing number three on the speed dial. Remember that Mommy and Daddy love you very much, and that none of this is your fault.


To Our Neighbors, Our Church, and God Himself:

The existing budgetary predicament will preclude us from all interactions, donations, and acts of kindness. Accordingly, we will neither casually wave nor nod when we see you in the neighborhood, and for the time being we will suspend all volunteer service. This includes our involvement in the neighborhood watch program, so we will no longer keep our eye on that weirdo who parks his car by the bus stop every morning. For Mrs. Steensma, who has developed an unhealthy dependence on our assistance, we will no longer bring in her mail, feed her dog, or investigate any strange smells emanating from her house. Furthermore, any groups whose names we have been loosely or unknowingly associated with can continue to expect our non-participation. Finally, all contact with God, including prayers, devotions, and spontaneous inspirational revelations, will be deferred until the budget negotiations have reached a satisfactory conclusion. We're sure that He, like everyone else, will understand.


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