"When I watch TV, I don't want to see ads for treatment of genital herpes! I am a potato thrown against a white bedroom wall! Buy my salad dressing! There is nothing for me on the shorelines of purple sunset mad monkey love!"

It's no mere happenstance that Satan is often portrayed as a cloven-footed beast, nor that the Jewish and Muslim traditions forbid the consumption of pork, for ham is a powerful symbol of evil. Watch William Shatner's performance in The Devil's Rain, and tell us you don't feel the hot, bacon-scented breath of Satan on the back of your neck.