Jan/Feb 2020 Humor/Satire

Two (Satirical) Poems

by Gilbert Allen

Borrowed image


In all societies, death constitutes a cultural event...
          —Mark Strand and Eavan Boland, The Making of a Poem

The muses sentenced him to a cultural event
because Poetry still believes in the cultural event penalty
because a cultural event is the mother of beauty
and thus a Family Value, like the Second Amendment
or the right to bare and lose feet.

Dangling from a noose in Nevada,
he hung on like a cultural event
even though such waltzing was not easy, while
his porkpied choreographer sang, "I am become
a cultural event, the destroyer of worlds!"

I think he'd spent too much time
with those giant mushrooms.

Eventually a cultural event on a very pale horse
cantered into the valley of the shadow
of an even bigger Cultural Event
where rode the six hundred (theirs not to reason why).

I had not thought a cultural event had undone so many.

But because I, like any good American, could not stop
for a cultural event, he kindly stopped his swaying, horseless carriage
for me, when I looked up, and I beheld
a cultural event in the sky.

We weren't in Nevada any more
or even a Norton Anthology.

"So how do you like your blueeyed boy
Mister Cultural Event?" I Googled.

And the webmaster answered,
"This is TheBlackWidow.com, a cultural event."


Desire at Darlington: First Draft

NASCAR very much portrays themselves as a family-oriented sport, and most romance fiction is about commitment and the promise of happily-ever-after.
          —Romance Writers of America

Page 1
"I keep turning the key."
She exemplified, grinding
her teeth. "And nothing happens!"

Page 5
"Ma'am, I'd sure like to help." He fingered
his flame-retardant suit. "Can you reach
my zipper?"

Page 9
She blushed deeply between
her Extended Mobility tires.
"Jump me later."

Page 17
"Forget your checkered past,"
she whispered, into his airflow vent.
"I'm your Harlequin now."

Page 21
"I'll always drive you crazy,"
he promised.
"I'm your Chevrolet!"

Page 57
"The Xfinity Series." He stared
through the hubcaps
of her very soul. "Let's qualify."

Page 69 (top)
"That's not my paddle-shifter." Her titters
filled her attached garage.
"That's my exhaust manifold."

Page 69 (bottom)
She backfired
"Out of the Number Two car!"

Page 123
"Don't lie to me!" She double-checked
his Heads-Up Display. "That's not
MY transmission fluid!"

Page 154
Forgiveness finally softened her heart
like asphalt in August. "Come back
in 28 seconds!"

Page 177
"Yes, Sweetums." She hissed
like a broken radiator hose. "Sweetums was
very fast."

Page 178
"Yellow flag," he explained
to her baffled muffler.
"Pit stop."

Page 195
He waved to the grandstand, cheering
his inside pole position. She passionately
kissed his polycarbonate visor.

Page 196
"Isn't this a great place,"
she reflected,
"for the whole family?"

His lips tasted like burnt toast smeared
with blackberry jam, as she dreamed happily
of their very own ICU.


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