Jul/Aug 2018 Humor/Satire

The Declassified Disney Corp® Performance Reviews of Osama bin Laden

by Ryan Habermeyer

Walt Disney Company
Cast Member Joint Interagency Task Force (CMJIATF)-477
Supervisory Board
500 South Buena Vista Street
Burbank, CA 91521




On 18 April 1988, in the vicinity of the Tea Cups attraction, subject WISH (legal name removed for security reasons) witnessed an altercation resulting in the hospitalization of Disney cast member 0404117-2, Mr. Osama bin Laden. This is the latest in a series of disputes and altercations involving Mr. bin Laden (hereafter referred to by code name COUSCOUS).

Description of incident is as follows: Subject WISH arrived at Disneyland Park as part of "Make-A-Wish" foundation visit. Subject WISH is an adolescent, Caucasian, approximately 11 years of age with indeterminate medical condition. Specifics of subject's itinerary for visit are unavailable or currently classified pending review. According to subject's testimony, he was separated from the main group during Mickey parade at 1630 hours and wandered into cast member dressing rooms. Subject WISH reported seeing several princesses smoking cigarettes and cast members Pluto and Tinkerbell engaged in "some light petting." Upon reaching adjacent room, subject reported seeing a man of "Middle eastern complexion" half-dressed in a Baloo costume gesticulating inappropriately at the mirror. Subject WISH indicates intense cognitive dissonance resulting from experience. Subject WISH proceeded to follow cast member COUSCOUS (now fully costumed) around park for 40 minutes. At approximately 1715 hours, subject WISH and cast member COUSCOUS were participating in friendly sing-a-long of Bare Necessities when walkie-talkie transmission announced: "Code Baloo! Repeat! Urgent Baloo at Tea Cups!" Nearby security personnel—recently hired and unaware that CODE BALOO refers to guest fluid malfunction—immediately tackled cast member COUSCOUS. Eyewitness testimony indicates that in the ensuing altercation bystander WISH and several other guests sustained multiple injuries.

Per institutional policy, soluble materials and other fluids were sufficiently extracted from Tea Cups attraction and multiple test-operations performed before restrictions lifted and attraction remade available to public.

In light of this recent incident, a comprehensive compilation of performance reviews is hereby generated and attached to this memo. Recommendation(s) for disciplinary action will be considered upon completion of review process.



Cast member COUSCOUS, currently enjoying H-1B visa status, has been employed at Disneyland theme park since February 1985. Cast member acquired employment through the Department of State Foreign Affairs Bureau in joint partnership with Afghanistan Ministry of the Interior and a Disney Institute Genius Grant. Cast member won scholarship to Disney Institute for his personal statement, "If Only My Life Were a Disney Film." Selection Committee was particularly moved by the following excerpt: "As a boy I remember watching Mickey Mouse cartoons in the basement of my uncle's shop. I wanted nothing more than to be a cartoon. When I realized an animated life was not possible, I dreamt of coming to America and performing as Mickey Mouse. Sadly, my father found my drawings blasphemous and sent me away to a mosque in Khartoum. I feel like I could have known a life of pure bliss had I been Mickey Mouse and allowed to marry Minnie." Supervisor Hollins notes in her performance reviews that cast member COUSCOUS'S primary goal upon arrival was to perfect his English so he could perform as Mickey Mouse.

Based upon collective performance review data, cast member COUSCOUS was once a model employee whose status has deteriorated. According to previous supervisors, cast member COUSCOUS displays an "excellent work ethic" and "dynamic versatility" exhibited by his past performances in various capacities including Donald Duck, Mr. J. Thaddeus Toad, and Goofy. Additionally, cast member COUSCOUS "makes a very compelling drag queen" in the role of the Queen of Hearts and is a pitch perfect baritone with the Dapper Dans. Prior to 1986 Q2 performance review report, cast member COUSCOUS enjoyed no disciplinary write-ups. Since 1986 Q2 performance review report, supervisors note cast member COUSCOUS exhibits a "tendency for distraction and grotesque daydreams" and "is often in open violation of official scripts, deviating frequently." Belligerent, fanatical, reclusive: in his most recent performance review cast member COUSCOUS does not deny these accusations. Most distressing, fellow cast members and staff report cast member COUSCOUS has become "increasingly militant" in role-playing activities.



1985 Q1—Cast member COUSCOUS seems to be adjusting well to new surroundings. Happiness quotient: 88.4. Performance: four Mickeys. Some homesickness is evident, but nothing worrisome. He is an ideal employee who seldom questions those in positions of authority unless it is to improve the condition of authority being exercised. Takes visible satisfaction in following directives. Provided exemplary service when volunteering to clean up ashes of deceased guest scattered in Haunted Mansion attraction (See attached incident report 42-HNT-3232). Practiced professionalism and discretion when called upon to assist with preliminary medical services for guest injured during botched fellatio on Space Mountain attraction (see incident report 11-SPA-0909). Congenial if not slightly socially awkward, requires perpetual compliments when performing duties. A natural performer. Recommendation for immediate promotion from janitorial division to cast member training.

1985 Q3—Cast member COUSCOUS has performed admirably following promotion during Q2. Happiness quotient: 90.7. Performance: four-and-one-half Mickeys. Completed cast member training with exceptional marks. Punctual and meticulous with a visionary eye for detail. Executes punishment well over subordinates. Knowledge of the theme park is unparalleled. Cast member displays unique critical thinking skills. After working in Frontierland during this quarter he has offered a few recommendations, primarily that Disneyland would benefit from broadening the idea of "frontier" by including a Sahara desert exhibit with camels and role-playing Bedouins, potentially expanding to mountain scenes from Afghanistan with mujahedeen dispelling KGB communists. These have been noted in cast member's file and forwarded to appropriate executive parties. At times his fraternizations with guests violate handbook protocols, but guest evaluations remain overwhelmingly positive. In support of cast member COUSCOUS'S phenomenal performance, one guest penned an anonymous letter which stated she was sharing a meal with her family in Club 33 when her husband announced he was ending their seventeen year marriage because his wife (the author of the letter) had been involved in an extramarital affair. Husband left wife crying at the table. Not only did cast member COUSCOUS pay the bill, but he comforted the woman and her two children and reports taking her to bed in the Sleeping Beauty suite. "It was a classy thing to do," the anonymous woman writes, "and immensely satisfying." Cast member has been congratulated for his attention to detail in guest satisfaction, but advised that future unauthorized philandering in Sleeping Beauty suite may result in disciplinary action.

1985 Q4—Cast member COUSCOUS continues to impress. Happiness quotient: unavailable at this time due to computational error. Performance: three-and-one-half Mickeys. Is the only employee willing to work in excess of forty hours per week without additional financial compensation. Duplication of cast member morale in other employees would be phenomenal. No genuine improvement with English skill is a point of concern; however, with Aladdin in pre-production foreign accent may prove advantageous in creating authenticity in theme park role-play. Cast member has been advised not to assimilate at this time but maintain Middle Eastern identity. As a Disney citizen, cast member's loyalty is second-to-none. He was involved in a physical altercation with five Christian teenagers during Nights of Joy festival last month. Criminal charges against perpetrators are pending. The supervisory board of review has concluded that cast member's actions were warranted as he was assisting a female in compromised sexual situation in the Small World attraction (See attached incident report 06-JOY-383). Cast member is happy to report that he and the guest are now in a long-term relationship. Cast member COUSCOUS continues to express a genuine admiration for the Disney spirit and Mr. Disney in particular, may he rest in peace. Cast member regularly takes advantage of access to Mr. Disney's archival materials at Disney Library in search of inspiration. With one full year of employment secured, cast member COUSCOUS has revised goals. He wishes to emulate Mr. Disney by constructing Islamoland. Details pending. In light of technical background, recommendation that cast member COUSCOUS be considered for training in Imagineering Research & Development, Inc. seems appropriate.

1986 Q2—Cast member COUSCOUS appears to have regressed in leadership qualities during Q1. Happiness quotient: 74.7. Performance: three Mickeys. We had hoped that cast member's previous military experience would translate into supervisory fast-track status, perhaps even executive training. Unfortunately, cast member has channeled military zeal into minor unionization efforts. Formal warning has been administered and seems effective. Cast member will be placed under surveillance until further notice. State Department did warn upon hiring of possible fanatical behavior and expressed hope that environmental conditions would quell radical impulses. Cast member was involved in incident with Critter Country last month. Per reports (no official documents on file), cast member attempted to proselytize to animatronic Critter Bears and severely damaged "Wendell" whom cast member claimed "insulted Allah" by existing with a mechanical soul. Animatronic "Wendell" (the one with the mandolin) was partially decapitated before cast member COUSCOUS was detained and allowed to decompress in Mickey Mouse jailhouse. Perhaps a long-term transfer to Fantasyland would assist cast member in rehabilitation process? Supervisor Hollins observes increasingly erratic behavior may be result of excessive stress. Cast member reports legal responsibility for three ex-spouses and over eleven children in four different countries. Medication may also play a role. Toxicology reports from "Wendell" incident reveal cast member COUSCOUS had traces of anise, nigella seed extract, yak semen, and dehydrated coyote urine in blood stream. Supervisor Hollins confirms she granted cast member COUSCOUS'S request for religious exemption to take herbal supplements to aid in beard growth (facial hair approval pending decision from the board). Cast member 1182569-9, Laura Bettis (hereafter referred to by code name SUPERCALIFRAGILISTITS), confirms that cast member couscous often boasted in dressing room: "You can cure anything with dehydrated coyote urine." News of cast member COUSCOUS'S behavior and special privileges has created a wedge between him and fellow cast members, adversely affecting union efforts for immediate future.

1986 Q4—Very mild quarter. Happiness quotient: 85.4. Performance: three-and-one half Mickeys. Minimal workplace incidents. Cast member reports satisfaction working as theatre usher for Captain EO production. Various female cast members have indicated fondness for cast member COUSCOUS' singing voice. Cast member has expressed some desire to write an Islamic musical number on the origins of the Qur'an. Supervisor Hollins, citing the Disney motto of HERE YOU LEAVE TODAY AND ENTER THE FANTASY OF BOTH YESTERDAY AND TOMORROW, continues to encourage cast member COUSCOUS to indulge in his imagination as it seems to promote a healthy and vigorous work ethic. Some lingering emotional distress still present. A co-worker hospitalized with undetermined medical condition created labor shortage, causing cast member to work overtime shifts as Goofy. On the get-well card, cast member COUSCOUS wrote: Kifarah, bitch. Upon further review, cast member insists his words were misunderstood in translation.

1987 Q1—Regressions continue. Happiness quotient: 57.2. Performance: one Mickey. English skills have deteriorated considerably. Dress and grooming in multiple violations of handbook protocol. Cast member COUSCOUS involved in yet another altercation. Third offense in as many months. Brief summary is as follows: cast member COUSCOUS assaulted a fellow cast member (defected Soviet national, legal name removed for security purposes), code name PROLETARIAT (see attached incident report 18-RUS-8456 for more details). Following altercation, supervisor Hollins demoted cast member couscous to popcorn vendor. It would appear that constant role-playing has taken an emotional toll on cast member. He fails to grasp that whatever fantasy does not destroy us only makes us stronger. During performance review, cast member COUSCOUS broke down in tears and admitted he is experiencing severe homesickness. Curiously, by the end of the performance review cast member couscous expressed fear of deportation and offered to perform cunninlingus on supervisor Hollins in exchange for favorable review. Supervisor Hollins promptly issued demerit and placed cast member COUSCOUS on unpaid leave of absence. It is possible cast member is bi-polar or suffering from other mental illnesses.

1987 Q4—Cast member COUSCOUS may have experienced psychological breakdown. Happiness quotient: 41.1. Performance: zero Mickeys. Efforts to curtail fanatical behavior have only resulted in increased zealous conduct. On 4 November 1987, cast member COUSCOUS arrived on shift under the influence of undisclosed substance. Per toxicology reports, substance has been identified as purified yak semen. Behaviors included slurred speech and disputable indecent exposure. Cast member climbed Sleeping Beauty castle with bullhorn and issued sermon from the Qur'an. Following a prayer, security worked to remove cast member from his perch. Cast member ranted on architectural plans for Islamoland, including futuristic mosques and Arabian Nights attraction where guests can watch simulated executions of virgins. Cast member COUSCOUS was eventually delivered to State Department to determine visa status. Supervisor Hollins recommends a vacation. Attending physician, Dr. Drake, recommends psychiatric institutionalization. Cast member COUSCOUS insists he is in good health.



At this time we do not recommend termination of employment for cast member COUSCOUS. Despite erratic behavior and some disturbing beliefs, cast member exhibits exceptional skill at role play, and while his methodology is often fanatical, his vision of the future is visionary. It is a rapidly changing global marketplace, and Disney Corp. would benefit from visionary thinkers able to confront 21st century problems with innovative solutions. Market research indicates Middle-Eastern theme parks are an untapped emerging market and Disney Corp. would be well-positioned to corner market share. Preliminary proposals for Islamoland have been well-received by Disney executive committee, and contractual partners at Halliburton, Inc. as well as the State Department have indicated that with declining influence of USSR in region, designing project in either Iraq or Syria would be ideal. Federal financial backing is pending assistance from cast member. Cast member's knowledge of region would be advantageous. We recommend maintaining employment of cast member COUSCOUS for future management role on condition cast member improves happiness quotient for his return to the happiest place on earth.


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