Dog Catalogue

Humor fiction by Chris Sumberg

Chris has had work in Exquisite Corpse, Metro Pulse, and Northwest Magazine.

Catalogue Supplement #13
New!! From New-Pup Kennels And Breedatorium

Dear Customer--

Please find below our latest items, recently developed 
at our New-Pup Breedatorium Labs, for your convenience, 
and pleasure.  As you know, here at New-Pup Kennels and 
Breedatorium we work diligently to serve your every dog 
lifestyle need.  Even as I write this, thousands of 
specially-created breeds await your beck and call.  Our 
motto is: Service With A Smile--And A Little Drool (drool 
optional with cotton-mouth breeds).

New-Pup Kennels And Breedatorium, serving the discriminat-
ing dog-consumer for over three and one half years!

                                            Sincerely Yours,

                                            Charlie "The Snake" Gombrowicz

Tired of those aloof AKC breeds who peer at you contemptuously, and who just think too damned much of themselves? Well, we've fixed that problem, or that little problem, we should say, with our Pretty Good Dane. This sad, cockapoo-sized pooch will do your bidding--or else (back in the shoe box). Standing a full five inches high, this little doggie will know just how far he's fallen. Ask him: "So you think you're so great?" Bred to shake his head "No." Pretty Good Danes are wonderful indoor canines that won't bump disastrously into china cabinets--and if one does, use our complimentary bottle of Pretty Good Dane Fur Liniment¨, specially engineered to soothe doggie bruises.

Wife grumpy about all that tobacco you gnaw? Well, why not invest in one of our Chaw-Chaws or its new near-cousin, the lovely Spits. These dogs like a mentholated chew, and always smell minty-fresh. And the next time your wife gripes about you and your brimming saliva can, you can say: "At least I don't spit it anywhere like Fido!" Believe us, logic will prevail. Each dog delivered complete with carcinogenic gum-tester.

A big dog with an unselective, "out-doorsy" appetite is our latest Breedatorium doggie, the Grub-Grub, a distant relative of the Chaw-Chaw, and Spits. As their name suggests, Grub-Grubs eat just that--leaves, twigs, small insects and branches, bee nests, crumbly patio tiling, and disused lawn furniture. Grub-Grubs are wonderful dogs for those of us (and, hey, aren't we talking most of us?) who just don't have enough time or energy for yard-work. A great "Spring cleanin' kind o' doggie." Each Grub-Grub comes packaged with month's supply of New-Pup Pooch-Antacidª.

Attention: fans of guitarist Joe Walsh! For those of you who just don't have the time or money for a show, we offer this spectacular Walsh Terrier! We won't say how we bred this lovable, long-limbed and goofy-looking canine, but we will say he can play "Rocky Mountain Way," "Life's Been Good," and a medley of other well-known classics. Guitar and practice amp included. Sound-proof doghouse/demo studio optional.

For those who live on a houseboat, in a levee area, or for those who just have to hand-wash their dishes, check out our new tubular mini-breed, our adorable little Plug-Plug. Plug-Plugs have been scientifically engineered to hold their breath for up to thirty minutes! Short crewcut- style hair is bacteria- and odor-free. Pop eyes serve as early drowning warning system. Free tow-line and marker-buoy with each purchase.

For the family that wants a second dog--or rather, for the family that wants their first dog to have a dog, an English Spaniel Toy maybe the ticket. English Spaniel Toys are soccer ball-sized canines with very dull teeth, and are bred to be rather passive. Also bred to smell like liver-breath cat. Great fun for Numero Uno Doggie. Free dog-pedometer and ankle-weights with every purchase.

Stylish winter clothing just too far outside your budget? Try our Cardigan Sweater Welsh Corgi. Cross-bred with brawny West Highland sheep, each dog produces up to six sweaters per annum! Available in holiday and tie-dye colors. Free head and paw stock included. Shears optional.

Like many of us, you are probably well-nigh tired of lying about long-overdue car, home, and medical payments. Well, nothing can be truer than saying, "I'm sorry about the delay, Mr. Trump, but my dog ate the bill," when you buy one of our lovable, squat, and convenient little Billdogs. Billdogs are a stoic, silent breed that like nothing better than standing by your desk all day long and ingesting unwanted, or irritating bits of waste paper. Triplicate receipt/meal with every purchase.

Rough day? Well now you can say to heck with the tired old slippers-and- evening-paper routine, when you purchase one of our special Irish Whiskey & Water Spaniels. Irish Whiskey & Water Spaniels are even-tempered dogs that never tire of hearing you gripe and complain, having been cross-bred with only the finest County Cork publicans. Breed features patent no-drip spigot nose, with easy-tilt tail lever. Please specify Jameson's or Bushmill's when ordering.

Impress friends--demonstrate your grasp of international affairs with the Russian Federation Wolfhound! A lean, versatile canine, the Russian Federation Wolfhound features detachable body parts (each socket with handy screw threads), which let you, and your pooch, keep up with developments and fragmentation in Eastern Europe. Can of spray lubricant with every purchase.

Unreliable transportation? Perhaps instead of a new car or boat, you should invest in one of our dynamic emergency Flaredales. A fat-based, even-lipped breed, Flaredales have long slow-burning tails that can be easily seen from seven miles away! Flaredales are contoured to fit in most domestic automobile trunks (and can be stuffed around the spare tire to reduce slippage). Each dog comes with small whisk broom and dustpan to sweep up unwanted hair and tail ash.

For the special New Age dog lover in all of us, why not take a look at our Tibetan Master Spaniel. Tibetan Master Spaniels are soothing companions, who live the lifestyles they preach. They don't eat much, are very quiet (and in fact, most have taken a vow of silence), and they literally beg for their meals on your city's streets. Bred to go "Om-m-m-m-m" instead of "woof." Newspaper prayer mat optional.

For those on a budget we offer a distant cousin of the bloodhound, our all-new Plasmahound. Plasmahounds pay their own way, and are available in A, B, AB, and Rh+/Rh- varieties. Shunt optional. Some assembly required.

Tired of those married-with-children "friends" of yours asking when you're going to have a little bundle of joy? Well, let them ask no more, when you purchase this adorable little doggie, a cross between a common field dog and a fire-iron--yes, it's a Bassinet Hound. Bassinet Hounds come in all major colors--white, black, yellow, brown--and in pink and blue! This dog's legs, stubby and quite heavy, mean that this dog-toddler spends most of its time on its back--and out of trouble. Papoose-sized and portable. A real attention-getter. Free coverlet and week's supply of diapers included.

A relative to the Bearded Collie, and our patent Elvis Sideburn Collie (see Supplement #12), is our latest Breedatorium masterpiece, engineered especially for those who simply want an effective, and terrifying watchdog-- our limited edition Hitler Mustache Collie. This bellicose pooch is extremely territorial, and is not afraid to let anyone know it. Bred to shout "Nein!" instead of "woof." Packaged with year's supply of Squeaky-Pooch Mustache Waxª.

Tired of that holier-than-thou pooch? Well, you may want to invest in a Bernard. We've bred out the saintliness to leave a huge, amoral, noncommittal pooch, suitable for today's on-the-run lifestyles. Bernards will simply look on, or politely leave the room, when you have to "do what you have to do," whatever that may be.

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