Apr/May 2006 Nonfiction

If Only Men Came in Chocolate

by Michelle Hartman

It has long been a sneaking suspicion of mine that the average male of the species is nothing more than a heat sink for a mobile penile unit. The development of feminist thinking has pretty much cinched this conclusion. Since the heat sink is on the whole socially unacceptable, and the penile unit is no more attractive than a newborn buzzard in a low-rent nest, it seems only fitting the product of this unit should be made more salubrious. To whit, if men came in chocolate, many of the current relationship problems would be greatly alleviated, if not cleared up entirely.

Take for instance the unfortunate time prior to a certain monthly ordeal. Long have men bemoaned not only the lack of penis usage but the sometimes-malevolent attitude in which their overtures are received. No longer a problem with the dispensing of pure warm chocolate being the end result of sexual bliss. Chocolate, the number one remedy for those days when a girl is not quite herself, is the only thing which will make a man look good in these trying times. Studies show that besides satisfying an immediate craving, chocolate also releases certain cerebral fluids that cause a long-range, warm fuzzy feeling. Also helpful for those ladies in gestation. Surely a win-win situation.

No longer would women of ample girth be discounted and overlooked. Nay, they would become the sexual goddesses of the next generation. For most certainly their size alone would speak volumes regarding their abilities. It would do my heart good to see Kevin Costner sported on the arm of a three hundred-pound lovely, to behold Mel Gibson two steps behind some bovine-eyed creature of two-fifty.

I hesitate to speculate on the drop in breast implants and liposuctioning. Of course no one wants to see plastic surgeons in the unemployment lines, do they? Well, do they? (This aspect may need further study.)

Size of the penile unit itself would no longer be a problem. Gentlemen, need I elaborate on this point?

There's a down side of course. Jobs in the edible underwear and flavored gel sectors will suffer. Since no one admits to buying these items, it may not be so bad after all. But Hershey and Hagen-Daas will take a serious hit. All that will be left for them is the kiddy market.

In the last two decades the only product safe from market advancement has been the penis. "New," "Improved," and "Better than ever" assail us from all media sources. Yet the penis plods on, same old colors, same old flavor, for thousands of years. No panel, no research group, alas no government grant to study the problem is forthcoming. This alone proves my heat sink theory. A simple flavor change would do so much. Could strawberry, vanilla, neapolitan be in our future? Dare one mention tutti frutti? Far better than implants, drugs and counseling, a simple acquiescence to market preferences. How about it, guys? Turn that heat into something productive. Ben and Jerry, are you listening?


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