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| Oct/Nov 2009 • Humor/Satire |
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| Oct/Nov 2009 • Humor/Satire |
January 23, 1979
Dear Mr. Walter,
You do not know me, but I know you. I am in Saudi Arabia and part of the proud tradition of the Ikhwan tribe in its reverence for Islam. I am told my eyes look big on my face, but I think it's just a sign of exceptional vision. As America's Super Bowl has just been completed, again without your participation, please allow me to share some feelings with you. Your Super Bowl, seemingly the most holy day in your culture, is nothing more than a paean to Western profligacy, particularly the nauseating volume of pork consumed by the hordes of infidels observing the event. Despite this bitter repulsion, I must confess to an uncontrollable admiration for you. The way you carry the ball of your trade with stunning agility. You are indeed a true warrior. Offering yourself to your endeavor with no reward promised nor given. You participate with a band of men who do not realize victory easily. You are a rarity in your sport and in your culture.
I have a legion of acolytes that believe in my cause, the cause of Islam as put forth by Allah in all of his unmediated purity. Some in my group are even young American-born men of African descent, not unlike you. What I am offering you is an opportunity to join our movement here. Since you have the natural heart of a warrior you seem already chosen to be one of us. Getting you here would be a mere formality.
Please write back with your thoughts on my proposal.
Sincerely,
Juhayman bin Muhammed bin Sayf al-Utaybi
March 2, 1979
Dear Juhayman,
Thank you for your kind words. Well, unfortunately this wasn't the Bears' year, so it's back to the drawing board. You can be sure my teammates and I will be preparing as best we can in the off-season so our great fans like you will enjoy an exciting and successful year next season. In honoring Chicago Bears' fans as the best fans in the world, please enjoy this complimentary autographed picture.
Thanks again for your support and see you next season.
Walter Payton
#34
March 14, 1979
Dear Mr. Walter,
Thank you for the photograph containing your signature. I cherish it though I do not dare allow it to be viewed by others. This is my dilemma. For as much as I spit on your perverted culture, I highly respect you. I am disturbingly aware that you are a product of this very culture I detest. My tribe would be devastated. What I have stated cannot be repeated or else I will deny it and you will be suspected delusional. This will not be good for your career. The whole spine of my existence is based on a pure devotion to Allah. Muhammed is resolute in his teachings. The Qur'an is vivid in its prescription. So, I am at peace regarding you not as a representative of that which the West offers, but as a martyr, unconsciously thriving despite the West's imperialistic hold on your soul. Your soul is another occupied territory. Taking a cue from America, the royal family here is trying to do the same to us. I can empathize with your oppression. The Saud family must pay for their wanton treacheries.
Sincerely,
Juhayman
P.S. I am still anxiously awaiting your response to my invitation
May 20, 1979
Dear Juhayman,
Thank you for your kind words. Well, unfortunately this wasn't the Bears' year, so it's back to the drawing board. You can be sure my teammates and I will be preparing as best we can in the off-season so our great fans like you will enjoy an exciting and successful year next season. In honoring Chicago Bears' fans as the best fans in the world, please enjoy this complimentary autographed picture.
Thanks again for your support and see you next season.
Walter Payton
#34
May 31, 1979
Dear Walter,
It was nice to hear from you again and to receive another photograph, the penmanship of your signature never ceases to impress me. Walter, I need to know that you are prepared to come to Mecca and join our crusade. Your physical supremacy would serve us well with the execution of some of the more rigorous missions we are planning. I was also curious if you were a practicing Muslim, if not we can swiftly rectify that. You must escape the corrosive trappings of the culture that is killing off your spirit. Save yourself! I shudder to think of you becoming the frog in the boiling pot. Together we will stand, fight and bask in the presence of Allah.
Yours,
Juhayman
July 5, 1979
Dear Juhayman,
Thank you for your kind words. Well, unfortunately this wasn't the Bears' year, so it's back to the drawing board. You can be sure my teammates and I will be preparing as best we can in the off-season so our great fans like you will enjoy an exciting and successful year next season. In honoring Chicago Bears' fans as the best fans in the world, please enjoy this complimentary autographed picture.
Thanks again for your support and see you next season.
Walter Payton
#34
July 14, 1979
Dear Mr. Walter,
Of course, I can never complain too much when I hear back from you, and you must have read my mind by sending me another photograph. One of the goats chewed up the last one. As soon as I learned of it, I took her out back and shot her. Walter, if I may be so bold, I am growing impatient as I await word of your arrival. I need to believe you will heed my exhortations and come at once to our side. The other day, I covertly viewed a highlight clip of yours from last season. You dove clear over a large pile of your comrades and enemies and landed, untouched, into your enemies' sanctified territory. It was a breathtaking maneuver.
Walter, I am left with the lingering sense that you are actually the Mahdi. I dare not tell my brother-in-law that these recent visions of mine render erroneous the past dreams of our followers. The psychic pain unleashed would be excruciating. Our Wahhabi background boasts a long and venerable tradition of cultural dominance and clarity of purpose. We believe all civilization is at risk unless Allah is justly recognized by the entire human race. That is what matters most right now. There will be plenty of time after to sort out your eternal role. I will be sneaking into Medina tonight, but I have arranged a way to continue getting correspondences, so please update me on your timetable. It is imperative you get back to me.
Best,
Juhayman
August 27, 1979
Dear Juhayman,
Thank you for your kind words. Well, unfortunately this wasn't the Bears' year, so it's back to the drawing board. You can be sure my teammates and I will be preparing as best we can in the off-season so our great fans like you will enjoy an exciting and successful year next season. In honoring Chicago Bears' fans as the best fans in the world, please enjoy this complimentary autographed picture.
Thanks again for your support and see you next season.
Walter Payton
#34
September 8, 1979
Dear Mr. Walter,
It was great to hear from you after such a while. I feel your presence in your desire to provide me with yet an additional photograph. I recently learned that many call you Sweetness. Sweetness, is that true? Unfortunately, my first reaction was to cringe, as it immediately reminded me of the wicked Zionist state when it refers to itself as The Land of Milk and Honey. However, I think I can get used to your nickname. Well, Sweetness, it's now or never. I am in the process of planning our "Big Mission."I can't reveal details now, but I promise to when the time is right. Trust me when I tell you, it is BIG. So, I implore you to come at once. Your athletic and spiritual force would be an invaluable asset.
Yours,
Juhayman
P.S. I have also learned that you apparently have a penchant for explosive devices. Is it true that you and some of your comrades like to set off small explosives near where some of your other comrades get dressed and laugh at the outcome? I am more certain then ever you belong with us. The use of explosive materials will be a critical method as our movement continues to gain traction, a cry for Allah's requirements. You could be our lead tactician in this regard.
November 19, 1979
Dear Sweetness,
Tomorrow we will be fulfilling Allah's will. We will be taking back the Grand Mosque and restoring it to its proper function. This is the "Big Mission." For too long the Mosque has been treated like a cheap motel by these wretched miscreants. They actually think a quick, perfunctory stopover will preserve their place in eternity. WRONG! We will return the Mosque to its true status. I have chosen tomorrow to honor the second anniversary of your record-breaking day for rushing yards. Although I wished you were here in flesh, I figure setting the mission on this day will surely invoke your spirit. I am still quite hopeful you will be arriving soon so that the true Mahdi may join us in the next phase of our movement. Upon your arrival, please be prepared to receive the oath of baya from your devoted followers. I will be in touch soon. Allahu Akbar.
In Reverence,
Juhayman
P.S. Congratulations on the impressive winning streak you have cobbled together for yourselves. It is keeping you competitive in the standings, at least within striking distance of a wild card spot.
December 22, 1979
Dear Juhayman,
Thank you for your kind words. My teammates and I sure are excited about this season. We know as long as we have great fans like you behind us, all things are possible. In honoring Chicago Bears' fans as the best fans in the world, please enjoy this complimentary autographed picture.
Thanks again for your support and let's have a great season.
Walter Payton
#34
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